Quick post i wrote about a month ago..... The only reason we stopped off at Coolngatta was because the QuickSilver Pro and Roxy Surfing Championship were going on at the time which saw the Worlds elite men and women competing for the title. If anyone knows anything about surfing (which I didn’t before this trip) the likes of Mick Fanning, Kelly Slater, Andy Irons and Stephanie Gilmore etc were all competing. The surf took place at a part of the beach called Snapper Rocks which is apparently world renowned and it was fkin amazing and pretty cool to be able to stand their and witness these professional do what their famous for. The waves were sooo consistent it was almost like there was a wave machine pumping them out. They were barrelling all the time which meant the surfers were able to ride the tube of the wave. You’ve probably seen poster pics of this type of thing, its where the waves create a sort of hole and can look down the wave and see the surfer inside it. It’s a poor description but you might be able to see wtf I’m on about if i get round to posting any pics. We spent two days total in Coolngatta and stayed at a really clean hostel called Sands which is what we needed after Surf n Sun in Surfers Paradise but there isn’t much to do tbh. In the daytime we just minced around and watched the Surf although the weather was again pissing down with rain and in the evening we had a few drinks in the hostel bar, played a weee bit of pool with the lads from our dorm and I also took part in a fun Crab racing tourn but my Crab didn’t fkin move and I crashed out in the second Heat, sighaments. That’s pretty it from Coolngatta not a lot going on and if it werent from the surfing comp we would have blown it out. Feeling a bit ropeeatm and done fk all exercise since Noosa, roll on Byron Bay…
Surfer’s Paradise was probably the worst place we had been to so far imo, although it was still good experience I guess. Our three days spent in Surfers started badly and didn’t improve when for the first time on our entire trip i left Scotch in sole charge of hostel bookings and he booked us into some gaff called Trekkers in Southport which is apparently the worst part of Surfers Paradise and an abs mission to the main town and beach, nice goin Scotch. On the first day I think we had a short scout round the main town and then chilled in the hostel where I got a load of shit done online and spent a few hrs chatting to Kels on Skype. One funny incident similar to the experience in Noosa with the bird blonde and the old deaf dude occurred online that night. I’m sat on the top bunk with my lappy and Scotch has past out early doors in the bed below and was basically letting out loadsa quiet smelly farts whilst asleep, fml. Were the only two in the rooms and obviously the next people to walk into the dorms are gonna take one whiff and look at me. After about 20 mins of Scotch sleep excreting these silent but deadly aromas two Germans bird walk in, sighhhhhhhhhh FMMFL!!! Much like the Noosa experience in my head I’m like no no nooooooo, its not me letting rip its that smelly ginger cunt below me! The German birds then start chatting away in their native language and I just know they are calling me a smelly bastard or something along those lines. After a bout 30 more mins of Scotch farting in his sleep another of my new room mates comes into the room and I quickly make the point of telling him to turn the fan on near his bed because of the smell but I don’t think the German birds took any notice and the damage was done, die Scotch DIE!
The next two days were spent at Sun n Surf which was right next to the beach and about a 5 min walk to the town’s centre. In the afternoon we took another surf lesson but this turned out to be pointless as the conditions were terrible especially for beginners like ourselves. The wind, waves and redic strong undercurrent made it almost impossible to even paddle out let alone catch a wave. I did somehow manage to catch two waves at the beginning of the lesson but it was too tough and a waste of money tbh as I’d learnt fk all. In the evening we went out on a big bar crawl with all the other hostels from Surfers. It was a decent ish night, we chatted to a bunch of peeps from our hostel and spent a bit of time with these Dannish birds in the first three of the four night clubs on the crawl. I think one of the Danes wanted a piece of the Amatation but she was a bit on the plump side and although that hasn’t always stopped me in the past I just wasn’t interested. I think she lost interest by the time we got to the 4th club as well and so had me n Scotch tbh. It was like oh another club, great! A night club is a night club at the end of the day and doing four in one night was a bit zzzzz. Surfers Paradise was basically just a bunch of bars/nightclubs/shops and dirty munching places like KFC, McD’s and BK’s. It reminded me of those holidays I’ve been on in the past like Magaluf, Malia and Zante etc, you know the ones I’m talking about? Those holidays where u get wankered every night, dance your tits off in a few bars/clubs and try and pull anything with a pulse and either get lucky or get a kebab (usually the latter) and then die the next day and then repeat.
The following day we woke up with small hangovers and poor old Scotch had again been viciously attacked by the mozzays, it was fkin sick and I felt a bit gutted for him. The hostel was really shit tbh, actually it wasn’t necessarily the hostel it was the room the cunts put us in. We were basically staying in the hostel staff/store room which was like a filthy sweat box and that coupled with terrible weather kinda spoiled the next few days. Surfers was just another experience on our trip, one of many and I’m glad I was here but It’s not a place I will miss much at all. Next up a place called Coolngatta…. EDIT! Also been to Byron Bay, Port Macquarie, Newcastle, Kennl's and Sydney since this.post so obv waaay behind on this gay blog of mine. In New Zealand atm, landed in Christchurch yesterday.
We stayed 2 nights total in Brisbane at a hostel called Bunk which was probably one of the nicest we had slept at since the beginning of the trip. A lot of backpackers we had spoken to on our travels pretty much slated Brisbane but I really liked it, its up there with Melbourne imo. I mean yeh there’s loadsa big tall buildings and no beach etc but what do you expect it’s a city ffs. If you take time to have a proper look around the city instead of just writing it off its actually a beautiful place. On the first of our two days there me and Scotch went on a monster walk through the city, to the Southbank and alongside the Brisbane river and the Botanic Gardens. Like I just said it was beautiful and the walk would have been quite a romantic one had I’d been walking alongside Kels and not the Scotch, its all good thou. In the evening we chilled at the hostel bar with Lisa and Christina, another kraut we met in Agnes Water and played some cards which involved a few small forfeits. I had to swap my t-shirt with Lisa’s vest after we both lost at shithead, theres a pic of me with Lisa on fb looking very camp. On the second day we went on this free tour of Brisbane which was guided by this lovely ozzy girl called Lucy. I would have given an arm to rump this bird she was fucking lush. The tour was much better than I thought and Lucy took us to places we hadn’t seen the previous day and also provided us with some of the history of the city as well as some funny stories. Later that day me and Scotch had a swim at the lagoon on Southbank is basically a man made beach much like the one at Airlie Beach, it’s a cool place but the weather was a bit tez. In the evening we started off at the hostel bar for a free BBQ and Scotch attempted to win a free surf lesson by munching 2 dry Weetabix. Despite managing to eat the first one quicker than his two opponents Scotchy unfortunately finished in last place, sigh. Later in the night we met up with Lisa and Julia in the Down Under Bar for a boogay woogay and the night was a good crack but ended prematurely. That pretty much sums up Brisbane as we only planned to do the 2 days, next stop Surfer’s Paradise…
Onto a place called Noosa now and I think we spent 7 days there in total with the first two of those being at a hostel called Dolphins which was decent enough. The only things that I can remember during this time was hiring a board out for half a day for my second surf attempt which was tough because the boards were not suited to a beginner and checking out the main town and beach and also Sunshine Beach located near the hostel which looked as thou it had some monster gnarly waves going on. Other than then we just chilled at the hostel with a few other randoms, played alittle table tennis and just generally minced.
On our third day we moved to a place called Noosa Backpackers where we again hooked up with the two lovely Canadian girls from WhitSundays and Agnes Waters. This hostel was much better than Dolphins imo and was located alongside a beautiful Marina. On one day me and Scotch hired a small shitty boat for three hrs and went fishing. For the first hour or so it was like being with a small child as Scotch was pretty clueless when it came to the art of angling. The plum caught the floor and the anchor/boat about 4 or 5 times and I had untangle his rod and reel on a couple of occasions before the he could manage a few little crappy casts himself, bless. Oh yeh I forgot to mention I also managed to steer the boat into a tree but I wont go into any details accept to say it was Scotch's fault obv. We both managed to catch one fish each which is two more than I thought given the first 45 minutes of angling/helping Cooks with his rod. On one afternoon we also paid for another surf lesson and this is where things started to click. The geezer was called Steve and because the morning weather was sooo tez he only had 3 bookings, me, Scotchs and some Scottish bird called Claire who was sound. That afternoon the sun came out and although the waves were fairly big and messy I learnt sooo much more from Steve than I did from geezer in Agnes Waters. We surfed on the main beach near Noosa Woods and I managed to pull off my best wave yet catching a wave all the way into the beach. We also hired a board on a couple of other occasions whilst at this Hostel as it was free and tried our luck at a place called Little Cove but the waves were really flat so it was pretty shit.
After one of these crappy surf mornings we randomly hooked up with one of Scotchs old school mates Dan who moved out here a few yrs ago. He took us to a place called Coolum Beach for fish n chips. I’ll always remember this particular beach because it was covered in jelly fish, there where hundreds of these little blue ones and a shit load of these much larger brown things, really weird.
Another highlight from these five days was a walk around Noosa National Park along the coast line where we saw numerous different beaches and some cool wildlife. The heat was incred that day and we spotted a couple of Koala Bears and this nutter Lace Monitor Reptile which just stepped out in front of us whilst labouring along the pathways. I’ve always had a thing for Lizards and I used to keep them as a kid so I really enjoyed this moment. We got as far as a beach called Alexradra Bay which apparently is a nude beach although we didn’t know it at the time (FML) before heading back.
I managed two decent runs alongside Pelican Beach on the Marina in the morning and on most evenings nights we just chilled in the lounge/bar for a few hrs chatting to Canada and a few other randoms. We also spent a small amount of time with a couple of Germans birds, Julia and Lisa, We first met Lisa in Airlie Beach and then again in Agnes Waters and bumped into her again in Noosa, she was one of those birds who was funny but didn’t know it.
Quick couple of funny stories whilst sleeping in the dorms before I wrap this one up. On one morning I woke up and this blonde yank with a cracking bod but dodegy boatrace from our room was having a shower and this random old deaf dude (not Scotch) walked in on her whilst she was taking her shower. I tried to warn the cunt but like I said he’s deaf. Anyways the deaf dude goes downstairs and I wake up as blondey gets out of the shower and she gives me the dirtest look ever staring at me like im like some filfthay perv which I suppose I am tbh but on this occasion I was not guiltay! Honestly if looks could kill I’d be a dead man babay, her eyes were like daggers. In my head im thinking NOOOOOOO, it wasn’t me, IT WAS’NT ME, no no no lol. Later that day I had to approach her and explain to her and express my innocence and she was like yeh I know it wasn’t you and that the other bloke had done it a few times. I guess her look of disgust was just a consequence of the dirty deaf dude and was not aimed at me.
The other little funny occurred the following night when I could hear a couple of people rumping in the single room next to me. It woke me up in the early hrs and the noise was sooo fkin loud that I had to listen for a good 1 hr and 40 mins, jokes. Actually it did take me about 20 odd mins to return to my beautay sleep. All I could hear was slap slap slap, arrrrgh arrrrrrrgh arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh, this bitch was taking a pounding and she seemed to be enjoying it. You get those random birds some times when you bang don’t ya. You don’t really do anything different and you use all the same smooth moves as u have done in the past with another girl but you get the occasional really loud bird who screams the house down and you end up feeling like some sort of super hero. Right, I think I’ll wrap this post up now as I’m starting to waffle and chat shit more than normal, next post Brisbane… Shit, was gonna upload pics but its not working, i'll do it another time. laters. EDIT: Also been to Surfer's Paradise, Coolngatta, Byron Bay, Port Macquarie and Newcastle since writing this shit. Goin to see my 'hero' today..... Kennl.
Right fish time for a Fraser Island post now where shall I start?? Errr this little trip was basically a 4 day thing consisting of a 3 day 2 night self drive camping adventure on the largest sand island in the world which was both funny and somewhat dangerous at the same time. I saw some amazing views and experienced some beautiful places but this was not without a small degree of stress… Me and Scotchay got the Greyhound coach at 6am from Agnes Waters to a place called Rainbow Beach and stayed at a hostel called Fraser’s on Rainbow. The hostel was complete tezza and this is where we kipped the night before the camping and the night after. There’s fk all to do in Rainbow tbh its just a kinda holding place before the camping adventure on Fraser Island. The only good thing about the hostel was this group a beautifully coloured Parakeets flying around the surrounding area. On the first afternoon myself and Scotch were joined in the hostel bar/lounge by all the other peeps who were going on the same trip for some compulsory safety bollocks which was conducted by this hippy geezer called Luke. Luke was funny as fk and the chat about safety was just a token gesture to comply with government rules n regs etc. There where 27 people in total and Luke split us into three groups of nine peeps per four wheel drive. Me and Scotch were joined by a German couple called Gwen and Heinrich, two other krauts called Hedda and Carina, a young English bloke called Jamie and wait for it….. two Dutch birds called Simone and errrrrrrr Fanny! I knew I was guareenteed to meet fanny whilst in Oz I thought to myself, both quality and ironic I think you’ll agree J Later in the evening I got to know Fanny and the rest of my new best mates a little better in the hostel bar before turning in for the night. Up early doors the next day and me and my new gang of four dirtay Krauts, two Dutch birds with stupid names, one random kid from the UK and some clumsay, messy ginger coount who is at times an absolutee liability (that’s Scotch btw) had to check all our camping gear to make sure it was all there and working correctly etc before heading off to the garage where some fat Ozzy dude gave us a lecture on the do’s and don’ts and briefly told us how to drive a 4WD on the beach and over rough inland terrain, [ ] the demonstration helped a lot. We set off mid afternoon ish and Heinrich was the initial driver as everyone was pretty reluctant to get the ball rolling. We had six drivers in total btw, me, the 4 Krauts and Simone. First up we drove onto the Mantaray barge via a small piece of beach which took us across the sea from Rainbow onto Fraser Island and then along this really rough track to the main beach and it quickly became clear that driving wasn’t exactly a piece of piss, it was fucking dangerous. Once we overcame the bumpy drive to the main beach Heinrich drove along a stretch of the beach before yours truly took control of the wheels as it was evident that no one else fancied it and nor did I tbh especially as my driving abilitays mirror that of the poker skills of my mate Adam “I’ve had more busted rolls than I’ve had wanks” Bell. Driving on the sand wasn’t easy and took a weee bit of time getting used to, you can quickly lose traction and its obviously uneven at times so I had to use all my powers of concentration. After the beach drive I had to turn inland to a small town called Eurong the then up and down this really rough track for about 1 hour to Lake Mckenzie, fuck me this was tough! It was a wicked new experience for me and I got a bit of a buzz and an adrenaline rush out of it but it was also fooking stressful. I had to look after 8 other human beings aswell as myself albeit four of those being fithy Germans. The driving was hard work and quite tiring tbh but it was well worth it when we got to our first destination because Lake McKenzie was absolutely incredible. Its looks like a beach from a Caribbean Island or summat but there are obv no waves. It’s a pure fresh water lake and you could just swim about the place gulping down the water as I did and its pretty much like drinking Evian from out of a bottle. After our chill out at the lake Henirich drove into the bush (not fanny’s) to a place called Woolangba creek for a short bush walk which was really noisy because of this sort of srceeching sound created by the insects in the trees, it was like nothing I’ve ever heard before. We strolled around this place for about 20 minutes which was pretty cool before heading to our first nearby camp site where we put up our tents and got dins dins on the go. Its amazing how quickly it got dark and we ended up cooking/eating in pitch black conditions lol. It was only around 7pm but it felt more like 11ish. After the munch we hooked up with peeps from the other two groups and basically got a little mezzy and played a few games etc. It was an ok night but could have been better if some people where a little more crazy and drunk. Next day we were up about 6am to pack up all our shit and then headed back to Lack McKenzie for a wash/mince in the lake before Simone drove us back along the same redic rough ‘road’ that I had driven along the night before. Tbf the girl done good, however the other three birds where fking shit. Whilst on the beach heading to a place called Eli Creek the three them took turns in driving along the main beach for a few mins for a token gesture ‘I drove a 4WD on the beach alongside the sea’ complete with a holiday snap of them attempting to control the vehicle. Carina done ok but fking Hedda almost rolled the bloody thing when changing her mind at the last second and steering too sharply and Gwen decided to do what I can only describe as an emergency stop in deep sand on a huge open stretch of main beach and obviously got us stuck, wp Gwen. Once Scotch, Jamie and myself ( Mr Hulk hands) pushed the vehicle out of the deep stuff Heinrich drove us to Eli Creek. This was a nice little fresh water stream which ran from an inland area across the main beach and into the sea, it was kinda like the rapids you get at some swimming pools and water park type places, fk knows how its created? After bathing in the unique conditions at Eli Creek Heinrich drove us to a place called Indian Head where the views where spectacular, (see pics). After checking out these views we had to quickly get back to the second camp site because of the incoming tide. I reluctantly offered to drive as Henirich had already done his fair share and no one else wanted the job. It was a bit of mission getting to the camp site which was situated between Eli Creek and a rusty old shipwreck called Maheno but we all got there in one piece. However, just as we approached the camp site we spotted one of the other groups in a bit of trouble. Their motor had dangerously got stuck close to the incoming tide and there key had snapped off in the door so they were proper fked. Our group helped push them to safety and they got someone out the next day to sort out the key situation. That incident sort of helped the two groups bond a bit more and the second night turned out to be much better than the first as a consequence. Again we set up camp and cooked/ate in darkness, Scotchy actually cooked up some nice grub that night with limited cooking utenlises. I remember one comedy/almost embarressing moment when Fanny bent over to swat a fly and Scotch jokingly placed an empty plate on her back whilst dishing up and I nearly put my foot in it by almost uttering the words, ‘yeah good idea Scotch lets all eat our dinner off fanny’ without thinking lol, some how I managed to stop myself and prevent an awkward moment. The only shit thing about the early part of the night were these redicously large horseflies which were flying about all over the place. These motherfuckers werent your normal flies these fuckers were like flies on steriods, they were fooking massive and when bitten by one they actually drew blood. I had a few chunks of flesh missing myself by about 7pm, proper nasty fuckers they were. Luckily these bastards seem to disappear by about 7.30 but the other irriatating thing where the mosquitoes which stayed out all night. I didn’t get bitten too much as I don’t think they liked my cooked meat too much but Scotch’s fresh milky skin got chewed the fk out of lol (see pics). Aswell as the Horseflies and mozzays we also had to contend with the dingo’s which are abit like wild dogs only more dangerous although tbf they didn’t really give us any hassle. Actually it was kinda cool being surrounded by 4 or 5 Dingos at any one time and all you had to do was chase the bastards off if they got too near. BTW Scotch is gonna write a one off special guest post about his experiences with the Horseflies, mozays and dingo’s when he needed to take a dirty wet dump in the Austalian bush, its fking hilarios and I think only he can do it justice tbh. After munching most of us got on the booze and the drinking games were a lot more rowdy this night with the main one being the fuck game. I can’t be bovved to explain the rules but I kept fking up partly because im a retard and partly because I was semi ball bagged. However, I quickly sharpened up my act when the forfeit was no longer a drink but an item of clothing espeically as I was only wearing two items and I fked up early doors meaning I had to swap one of my items, my t-shirt with Fanny and a double fk up meant losing an item. One thing I’ll never forget about this night was the clearness of the night skies it was even better than WhitSunday and that was amazing. The skies are basically sooo clear because there is almost zero light coming off the Island. You could also see two separte storms in the distance, it was something pretty special. I don’t think we crashed until about 3am and I shared a tent with the two Dutch girls as I had done the previous night. One of the dutch birds Simone was kinda trying it on with me earlier on in the night but by the time we all ended up in the tent the Dutch girls where proper drunk and were both puking up into this cup, luuuuvely. Two girls, one cup……loadsa sick, great!! I had to shine the torch about outside to check for approaching Dingo’s whislt they took turns vommitting, [ ] it was awesome. On the the third and final day we had to be up super early (5.30am) to avoid the incoming tide to get to a place called Lake Wabby. However, because everyone got sooo bagged up we didn’t leave until about 7.30am and got stranded at Eli Creek. I guess there is a lot worst place to be stuck but we missed out on Lake Wabby and had to wait for the tide to go back out before driving back to the mantra ray barge where I saw Dolphins and then back to the garge. Later in the evening we had a group meal back on Rainbow Beach at that shit hostel and then me and Scotch were up early doors the next day for a nice little run on Rainbow Beach before getting the Greyhound to a place called Noosa. I’ll write about this place in the next blog as this has turned out to be a mammoth post. I’ve also been to Brisbane, Surfers Paradise and Coolngatta aswell since Noosa and im in Bryon Bay atm, fun times! Laters.
